Marriage Works!

Yesterday we posted this message on Facebook: Before you try to “fix” your mate, examine yourself to ensure you’re straight. (See Matt 7:3-5), and this is what one MW! fan wrote in response:

Sioo [sic] true! Those who live in glass houses should NEVER throw stones!! II’ve [sic] been guilty in the past of trying to “fix” my husband, and it was a looong time before God could get through to me to accept and love my husband for who he is, and to leave the changing to HIM. After all, I have plenty of attitudes and stuff in my OWN life that God and I have to work on!!

I can agree with the statement above, as I tried earnestly to change Cetelia into the person I wanted her to be. What a frustrating task — for both of us!

Thank God I’ve learned that she is who she is, and that’s OK. Just as I want her to give me grace and space to be the person God wants me to be, I’ve got to give her the same grace and space.

Of course, spouses have the mutual responsibility to hold one another accountable to righteousness, but let’s not  confuse that with changing your spouse to suit your personal preferences.

I’ve learned, and so will you, that marriage is soooo much easier when you sweep around your own front door.

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My alma mater, UNC Chapel Hill, recently hired former player and ESPN analyst Hubert Davis as an assistant coach. In an interview, Davis talked about how he sees his role with the players, and I noticed there was a great lessons for spouses in his words.

He said:

“My job is to help the players become the best individuals that they can be, become the best basketball players they can be. I want them to know that and I want them to believe that everything that I say and everything that I do is because I am trying to help and serve them.”

Let’s replace the word “players” with “spouse” to get a really good picture of what marriage should look like:

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Do you filter your water? How about your words?

Our family drinks filtered water to avoid the hordes of microscopic creatures that live in the water served by our city. We’ve found that this water tastes better, and is healthier for our bodies because it’s cleaner. The purpose of the filter is not to kill the creatures, but to capture them inside the filter and prevent us from ingesting them.

This easily applies to filtered words. The purpose in filtering your words is not to shut you up, rather to capture the offensive words inside your mouth so your spouse won’t hear them. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Make Psalm 141:3 your prayer - Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! – and work with God to speak filtered words.

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Yesterday I inadvertently deleted a host of files from our server, including study guides and MP3s associated with the iMarriage Club.

Amazingly, Cetelia and I have been absolutely deluged with emails from folks all over who have offered their help and/or sympathies for the mishap (and we’ve only known two of the people personally). More importantly, everyone has been incredibly encouraging about how we’ve impacted their marriage, and how they are praying we get the service restored quickly.

Cetelia just emailed this to me in response:

It’s a blessing to see that what we are doing is beneficial to so many.  It is a breath of fresh to get this much encouragement.

After reading her message it dawned on me that as spouses we need to give just as much support, prayer, encouragement, and grace to our mate whenever he/she sins or makes a mistake. For some reason it’s so much easier for us to be nicer to folks outside our house, and that’s lamentable (I’ve dropped my stones, and am indicting myself).

Let’s all aim to respond in kindness, love, patience, mercy, prayer, and grace the next time our spouse sins or messes something up. Let’s look for the good our spouse has brought to us in the past, and prayerfully encourage him/her to stand up, dust off, and keep moving forward in Christ.

Marriage Works!

Kevin

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We often get asked great questions about roles in marriage. After advising many married couples, reading lots of books, observing my friends, and being a married man myself, here’s what I’ve noticed: one size doesn’t fit all.

While there are certain laws that should govern every marriage, like forgiveness, kindness, and love; there are some things that must be figured out within each individual marriage — like who cooks, who cleans, who manages the finances, and things of that ilk.

While it’s easy to go with a traditional view and say, “The wife should cook and keep the kids, and the husband should do the yard and manage the finances, etc.,” that’s not always best for each home. These items should be doled out to each spouse based upon skill, available time, preferences, and generally speaking what works best for each couple.

Figure out what works best in your home with your spouse, then be diligent to make it work well.

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This morning I attended my monthly board meeting for Habitat for Humanity of Greater Greensboro. On the agenda was a discussion about ways to mitigate risk when qualifying homeowners. Like any good organization, Habitat is looking for ways to provide the most good while protecting against failure.

This conversation really stood out to me, and made me think about steps couples can take to mitigate risk in their marriage. Below is a list I’ve started that I invite you to continue. While it would be ideal for both spouses to do these actions, at least one spouse needs to:

• Be in a growing relationship with God that results in becoming more like Jesus Christ
• Seek to please the other over oneself
• Make a decision over and over to walk in love
• Speak words that uplift and bring grace
• Be adamant about building a relationship that is not dependent on kids being in the home

These are just a few, and I’m sure there are many others. Please grow this list by leaving your items in the comment area below. Let’s all help one another have a healthy, functional marriage.

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This morning a person I had never before seen on the MW! Facebook page attempted to discredit nearly everything we posted for engaged couples, and arrogantly posted this query:

Why are you pushing marriage? The amount of people actually getting married is declining. The amount of people staying in marriage is around 50%. Who invented marriage anyways, the church? Rich people?

So, aside from the name of our organization being Marriage Works!, why are we pushing marriage?

Because a 50% divorce rate means there is a 50% staying married rate. And, there are millions of people each year who are on the verge of joining the 50% of those who stay married. That creates an opportunity for us.

It’s our goal to create resources and experiences that help couples build a healthy, functional marriage. Whether the divorce rate is 50% or 99%, as long as there is somebody married who’s willing to listen, we’re going to keep pushing our message.

While individual results may, Marriage Works!

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Separated. Disconnected. Divided. Dissociated. Detached. Isolated. Alienated. Set apart. Cut off.

All the words above are synonyms for the word divorced, and describe the lifestyle a lot of spouses are currently experiencing while living with their spouse.

Are you divorced from your spouse emotionally, but still married to him/her? If yes, what are you presently doing about it?

Copyright © 2011 Kevin B. Bullard. All Rights Reserved. Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper source citation.

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Today marks the 100th anniversary of the “unsinkable ship,” the RMS Titanic. While there are many parallels between the magnificent ship’s sinking and marriage, I will get straight to the heart of the matter.

The Wikipedia entry for the Titanic says this:

Titanic received a series of warnings from other ships of drifting ice in the area of the Grand Banks of Newfoundland. Nonetheless the ship continued to steam at full speed, which was standard practice at the time.

Did you see that? A series of warnings attempted to warn the Captain and his crew of the impending danger. However, the ship continued unabated. And, of course, the ship struck an iceberg, which caused the death of 1500 people.

Are you like the Titanic’s captain where your marriage is concerned? Are you being warned of things you should stop doing (or start doing) to make your marriage better, yet you’re ignoring the counsel? One translation of Proverbs 29:1 says, “A person who will not bend after many warnings will suddenly be broken beyond repair.”

Obviously, there’s a high price to pay for ignoring God’s nudges in your marriage. Be wise today, and open your eyes, ears, and heart to God’s warnings and corrections. He’s speaking to you now, and you’ll hear him if you listen. You’ll find that he’ll use the Bible, the Holy Spirit, other people, and situations to speak to you.

Perk up, and hear God’s voice. As with the Titanic, the result for ignoring warnings could be very costly.

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Tomorrow I have the fortune of officiating another wedding, a task I take very seriously and feel honored to do. Whether I’m officiating or simply attending a wedding, I see it as an opportunity for me to renew the pledge I made to Cetelia on July 15, 2000.

I wrote a song for our ceremony called For The Rest of My Life.

The song started out like this:

Finally, our day is here
This covenant of marriage will last throughout the years
We’ll grow older together, forever

And the refrain said:

For the rest of my life I pledge my love to you
For the rest of my life I plan to be with you
For the rest of my life is a covenant between me and you
I love you now and forever
For the rest of my life

As I lead Nick and Sarah into their lifelong partnership as husband and wife tomorrow, I’ll silently reaffirm the pledge I made to God, Cetelia, and myself nearly a dozen years ago on that hot July day.

Cetelia, for the rest of my life is a covenant between me and you. I love you now and forever, for the rest of my life.

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